How To Not Be a Legalistic Parent
All thanks goes to ⏩www.tolovehonorandvacuum.com⏪ for this timely article.
Are you a legalistic parent?
I sure hope you’re not! And
I’m pretty sure you hope you’re not one, too! None of us wants to be
legalistic. Most of you reading my blog l want great, authentic and God-honoring relationships with your kids.
This week I’ve been talking
about legalism–being in a legalistic church; having a legalistic view of
marriage. But nowhere can legalism hurt more than in our parenting.
I think the reason that so
many of us veer that way is because we’re taught in church that children are
bad and they need to be taught how to be good. So kids are seen as these evil
creatures that will get out of hand if we don’t teach them to obey.
But while it’s true that we
are all born in original sin, it’s also true that we’re all created in the
image of God. And, honestly, I think kids are pretty great! The person who has
done the most research into this, though, isn’t actually me. It’s my daughter
Rebecca, whose book Why I Didn’t Rebel came out last October. She looked at
what parenting practices were most likely to result in kids having a genuine
and authentic relationship with Christ, and which ones would push them away.
And one of the
commonalities that pushed kids away? Legalism in our parenting! When we focus
on the outward rather than the inward, we cause a lot of problems.
The good news? It’s
actually pretty easy to solve. So I’ve asked Rebecca to
join us today and share a few quick signs that you’re moving towards
legalism–and some quick ways to come back to authentic relationship!
How do you tell if you’re a legalistic parent?
Like my mom said earlier, I
did a ton of research when I was writing my book, Why I Didn’t Rebel, and I found that legalistic parenting
styles that seemed to follow a lot of popular Christian teaching actually made
kids less likely to follow God, and more likely
to rebel!
So how do you make sure
you’re NOT being a legalistic parent? I’ve put together 6 of the common
differences for you to see where your parenting style falls;
⏩Legalistic parents focus on obedience; non-legalistic parents focus on character.
When a kid does something
wrong, how is the behavior framed?
·
If the child is late for dinner when they were called, was the
problem that they put their own wants over other peoples’ schedules, or that
they were disobedient?
·
If a child didn’t clean their room, what’s the real issue?
That they didn’t live up to their responsibilities, or that they were
disobedient?
·
If a child won’t play with a sibling, is the problem that your
child is being unloving, or that they are being disobedient?
In other words, are you
addressing character issues, or just getting your kids to do what you say?
What is the lesson you
really want your child to learn here? Because if the lesson is “do what mommy
says,” that isn’t going to help them when you’re not around. The goal isn’t
obedience–the goal is the ability to make good decisions. Teaching
obedience is part of that, but it’s not the final goal.
⏩Legalistic parents can’t be questioned; non-legalistic parents are excited by questions.
“Why do we have to go to church every Sunday? Sammy gets to sleep
in!” isn’t a question that should be punished–it’s an
opportunity for conversation (and a really amazing one at that!)
Legalistic parents get
frightened or angry at questions that counter their belief systems.
Non-legalistic parents get excited because it gives them an opportunity to talk
to their kids about the important things.
⏩Legalistic parents often don’t have reasons for their rules; non-legalistic parents will throw out a rule if it doesn’t make sense to them.
In legalistic families,
kids can rattle off all the rules that their parents have. And often the rules
don’t make sense (or at least haven’t been explained). They can’t always
answer, “Why?” if someone asks why they have to follow a certain rule. Their
parents use the phrase “because I said so,” or “because I’m the parent.”
Non-legalistic families,
however, see rules as “guidelines” more than laws set in stone. If a kid
questions a rule and has a good reason for why he or she shouldn’t have to
follow it, the parents are happy to throw out that rule. For example, when I
was growing up we had a no video-chatting with boys rule. But then I met some
people who lived in the US, that rule got scratched because it wasn’t fair that
I couldn’t talk to my friends (and my parents knew they were good guys, too!).
⏩Legalistic parents won’t give up control, even in petty issues; non-legalistic parents try to find a middle ground.
Legalistic parents see
arguments as power-struggles; it is paramount that they never give in or
apologize, because they might lose control. Most fights are very heated and the
child walks away not feeling heard.
Non-legalistic parents, on
the other hand, don’t try to control their kids. Instead, they voice their
concerns, fears, and hopes for their child and hear their child’s point of view.
The goal is to come to a decision together–not tell their kid what they must
do.
⏩Legalistic parents focus on punishment; non-legalistic parents focus on discipline.
Punishment is about adding
something negative that makes the child sorry for what he or she has done.
Excessive spanking, groundings, or heaping on punishment after punishment for
minor infractions like not cleaning their room, for example, would fall in this
category.
Non-legalistic families
rarely, if ever, punish. Instead, they discipline.
Discipline is about teaching kids what to do instead, and doesn’t heap on
excess hardship, but allows kids to feel the natural repercussions of what they
did.
They didn’t clean their
room? Well, then they have to clean their room and the living room later
because they inconvenienced others by leaving their smelly socks all over the
house. Texted more than their plan included? They have to pay for the balance
themselves. Wouldn’t hurry and come when they needed to leave the house and
made sister late for a party? Then they have to do sister’s chores the next
day. They stole time from her, so now they have to give it back. (My mom’s got
a great article on 10 alternatives to spanking that
lists a ton of ways to give consequences rather than punishments!).
⏩Legalistic parents don’t allow their kids to make their own decisions; non-legalistic parents encourage personal responsibility.
Legalistic parents control
their children’s decisions because they are afraid their kids will make
mistakes. They’re scared, so they clamp down. What will people think? Do we
have it all together? What if it all goes wrong?
Non-legalistic parents, on
the other hand, have faith that their kids can make good decisions and so
encourage personal responsibility. If their child does something wrong, it
doesn’t cause an identity crisis for the parent. These parents use the teenage
years to train their kids to make good decisions on their own and take
responsibility for their actions–not just do what they’re told.
The common thread here is
the focus on inward character rather than outward behaviour. Legalistic parents
try to make sure the child conforms to expectations and to rules. Non-legalistic
parents try to help the child develop inner character so that he or she can
make good decisions all alone!
What would you add to this list? Did you grow up in a legalistic or non-legalistic family? Let’s talk about it in the comments below!
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